Now old aunt Rebecca is rich;
She's the Dowager Duchess of Diddle.
When she dies I inherit a million or so,
But the old girl's as fit as a fiddle.
Whilst gunning the moors on the twelfth,
In a quiet lonely spot by the sea,
I saw someone there by the cliff, I declare,
'Twas the Dowager Duchess of D!

CHORUS:
At that critical moment some birds came in sight,
So I upped with my gun and I blazed left and right;
And I nearly hit auntie! Yes-nearly, not quite!
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.
SPOKEN: 'Twas a pity, I say, 'twas a pity, I might have struck her with one of the pellets-however:

Returning one night from a ball,
In a mellowish mood and reflective,
I saw a strange light in a bank-I said, "Ha!
SPOKEN: Like that, "Ha!" (exaggerated surprise)
I'll play Sherlock Holmes the detective."
A half-open window I spied,
And inside I proceeded to slip;
There a burglar I saw forcing wide the safe door,
So I held him in muscular grip!

CHORUS:
But he slipped and he bunked, he was wiry and thin;
And the safe was wide open and slap full of "tin"!
I drew a deep breath-then two coppers rushed in!
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.
SPOKEN: 'Twas a pity, I say, 'twas a pity, I might have got
some of the, er, however, Oh, I hardly like to tell you the,
er, personal, however-

Now the wife and her mother (Spoken: Oh, the mother!), last June,
Went to stay with the Marquis de Caxey, (Spoken: She's alright, too-)
So I saw them safe off in a taxi.
At somewhere about ten o'clock
Came a telegram-Heavens alive!-
Poor dear Ma and the wife! Fearful smash! Loss of life!
Total wreck of the eight-forty-five!

CHORUS:
'Twas a terrible crash, eighty passengers slain!
And I manfully struggled my tears to restrain,
When the ghastly news reached me-they'd both missed the train!
And bang went the chance of a lifetime! (Sobs)

Once I courted a sweet winsome wench
(Amorous sighs)
She was nineteen and also an heiress,
(It's nice when a girl is a Venus galore
And also a millionairess!)
I wooed her, I wooed, I won (Spoken: Wow, wow)
"My darling," she said, "I am thine!" (Sighs)
She swore she'd be true (Spoken: Get away!)
So I thought I would too;
What do you think? I thought it was fine!

CHORUS:
My sweet Hyacinth, fairest of flowers that blow!
(With a millionaire Pa in Chicago, what ho! )
So I put up the banns, then the wife got to know,
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.