Listen to an MP3 version by Roy Hudd.
Watch a version by the Wurzels.A YouTube Video

Twenty years ago the landlord of The Star
Said to me “Sir, would you like a big cigar?"
I smoked it unto Easter, and me dearly beloved wife
Said "Throw the ruddy thing away thing away” I said “not on your life!"

At the end of my old cigar, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah
Strode down Piccadilly, imagined “I’m a star!”
Not so very handsome but I’m a bit of a la-di-dah
I tickled the ladies' fancy with the end of my old cigar
La la la-la-la-la-la
La la la-la-la-la-la

Twenty years ago I took a holiday
An’ early one morning I strode along the bay
Met a fair young maiden who’d been washed up on the shore
Nothing on but seaweed, so I took another draw

At the end of me old cigar, hoorah, hoorah, hoorah
She said to me "Sir I don’t know who you are
Could give me something to cover my fig-u-r
Gave her the band I’d just took off the end of me old cigar
La la la-la-la-la-la
La la la-la-la-la-la

Twenty years ago, I was in my surgery
When early one morning a lady said to me
"Can you vaccinate doctor me in a place that doesn’t show"
Vaccinated Gertie!, what-ho, what-ho, what-ho!"

At the end of my old cigar hurrah, hurrah, hurrah
Vaccinated Gertie, you should have seen the scar!"
Every time she lifts her clothes to get into a motor-car
Says oh look what the dirty Doctor did with the end of his old cigar

Twenty years ago they sent me over seas
When I saw the jerry’s my blood began to freeze
Sergeant major came and placed a tin hat on my head
Said, "If it's all the same to you, I'll wear it here instead!"

At the end of my old cigar, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah
Wife was selling kisses to the yanks for half a bar
Missis was selling kisses to the yanks for half a bar
And I was doing all right on my own at the end of my old ciga-a- r-r.