Last summertime I went away to Dover by the sea,
And thought I'd like to bring a bunch of seaweed back with me.
It tells you if it's going to rain, or if it's going to snow,
And with it anyone can tell just what he wants to know.

CHORUS
With my seaweed in my hand, I got into the train.
All the pubs were closed, when I got out again.
I couldn't get a drink - with thirst I thought I'd die,
And s soon as I touched my seaweed I knew it was going to be dry.

Two lovers walked one evening down a quiet country lane.
The chap was Honest William, and the girl was Mary Jane.
They walked and talked and walked and talked about their future life.
I heard him say "I will be glad when you're my darling wife."

CHORUS
Then he kissed her ruby lips, and looked at her with pride,
And said "I shall be glad when darling you're my bride.
Tomorrow we'll be wed - and then you will be mine!"
And as soon as I touched my weed, I knew it was going to be fine.

I had a fright some time ago, right in the dead of night.
The missus said "Wake up you fool! The house is all alight!"
I quickly tumbled out of bed, though I could hardly stand -
My seaweed hung upon the wall. I grabbed it in my hand.

CHORUS
And rushed upon the roof - forgot to take my clothes.
The fireman down below was squirting with his hose.
He hit me where I stood, right on the parapet
And as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be wet.

One night I felt so cold in bed, I woke my wife, Maria,
And said "I'm going to jump out love, and light a little fire."
Then in my nighty I jumped out, quite balmy on the thatch.
I found the wood, and found the coal, and then I struck a match.

CHORUS
And stood before the fire, as happy as can be.
And then I felt the warmth round my anatomie.
My shirt was all alight, and I'll forget me not,
For as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be hot!

In all my happy married life I'd never had a row.
Til someone put the poison in, and things have altered now.
My wife, when I got into bed, the other Thursday night -
She put her cold feet on my back, and kicked with all her might.

CHORUS
And pushed me out of bed - I fell on the floor.
She said she wouldn't have me back there any more.
She took the sheets and quilts, in which herself she rolled.
And as soon as I reached my seaweed, I knew it was going to be cold.