Part of a performance by Tommy Steele.
If he had another face, he'd look much weller;
But his mouth quered him from winning a beauty show.
It was like a steamboat funnel,
Like a railway arch, or the Blackwall Tunnel;
If you can't see Jim, when he opens his mouth you'll know.
Now as poor Jim goes walkin about -
You can hear the kids all holler and shout -
"What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South!
"Blimey, what a mouth he's got"!
Now when he was a baby, Lord-oh-luvver!
His poor old muvver used to feed him with a shovel.
What a gap! Poor chap! He's never been known to laugh.
'Cos if he did, it's a penny to a quid that his face would fall in half!
He can whisper in his own ear - ain't that funny?
Now to quench his thirst, he has to take a drink from mine.
He got so drunk one foggy morn,
He lay in the road and started to yawn;
And a poor old man was delivering coal close by.
Now as he went to shoot his load,
He saw Jim's mouth out in the road -
What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South!
Blimey what a mouth he's got.
Now the poor old man was a short sighted fellah;
When he saw Jim's mouth, he took it for the cellar;
And he shot the lot, right into his mouth - no joke!
Now Jim, poor soul, 's got a tummy full of coal -
And he coughs up lumps of coke!
Every pretty girl he loved to spoon,
Till he found a wife - and down beside the sea
Went to Margate for the honeymoon.
But when he strolled along the promenade
With his little wife, just newly wed,
He got an awful scare,
When someone strolling there
Came up to him and winked and said _
CHORUS:
Hello, Hello, Who's yer lady friend?
Who's the little lady by your side?
I've seen you, with a girl or two _
Oh! oh! oh! I am surprised at you.
Hello, Hello, stop your little games,
Don't you think your ways you ought to mend?
It isn't the girl I saw you with at Brighton,
Who, who, who's yer lady friend?
Jeremiah took his wife's mamma one night:
Round to see a moving picture show.
There upon the screen, a picture came in sight.
Jeremiah cried, he'd better go.
For on that picture, there was Jeremiah
With a pretty girl upon his knee;
Ma said, "What does it mean"?
Then pointed at the screen,
The people yelled at Jones with glee, _
CHORUS:
Jeremiah now _ has settled down to life,
Said Goodbye to frills and fur belows:
Never thinks of girls, except his darling wife,
Always takes her everywhere he goes.
By jove, why? There he is _ you naughty boy!
With a lady too _ you're rather free:
Of course, you'll stake your life, the lady is your wife _
But tell me on the strict Q. T. _
CHORUS:
Chistmas Pantomime were Jones's chief delight,
Once he madly loved the fairy Queen:
There behind the scenes, he spooned with her one night.
Someone for a lark pulled up the scenes,
And there was poor old Jones upon the stage,
With his arm around the lady fair,
The house began to roar, from gallery down to floor _
Then everybody shouted there _
CHORUS:
Nice old geezer, with a rotten cough.
Sees my missus - takes his topper off,
In a very gentlemanly way.
"Mam", says he, I have some news to tell;
"Your rich uncle, out in Camberwell,
"Popped of - reason which it ain't to sell;
"Left to you his little Donkey Shade".
"Wotcher", all the neighbours cried,
"Who yer goin' to meet, Bill?
"Have you bought the street, Bill"?
Laugh - Lord, I thought I should've died,
I knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road.
One cove thinks his leg is really broke;
That's just envy 'cos we're carriage folk,
Like the toffs as ride in Rotten Row.
Strutted up the alley 'alf a bit;
Thought our lodger's gonna have a fit,
When my missus, who's a real wit,
Says she hates the busses, 'cos they're low.
Me and missus take a little drive;
Folks say "'S'wonder that they're still alive",
When they see that little donkey go.
I soon showed him that he had to do
Just whatever he was wanted to;
Still, I shan't forget that rowdy crew -
When they shouted "Whoa! Steady Neddy, Whoa"!